Remember when I was pregnant with Abigail and Madison? I had just started this blog. I had just had surgery, at 18 weeks pregnant, to save my babies. We agreed to have this sugery filmed, not knowing that it would be our only chance to see one of our babies alive. And to this day, I have been unable to get my hands on that footage of the surgery.
I had sort of let it go. In part because I am too busy, and in part because I am not sure that I really want to see it. I mean after all, except for the footprints and ashes and the memory of holding our lifeless baby in our arms when she was born, it is all we have of Madison.
Until now.
I have just recently found out that there is a movie...and seriously, when I say movie I mean a motion picture...set to be released in the Spring 2011, that uses footage of the surgery performed on myself and 3 other women that day back in 2008.
I am not sure whether or not the filming of my actual surgery is in the movie (I probably won't know until I actually see the movie), But the thought that it could be, after 2 years of not thinking about it at all...is haunting me. I know I signed off on it. But when I signed off on having the surgery filmed, I never in a million years thought it would be the only chance I would ever have of seeing Madison alive.
It is a blessing and a curse all at the same time and at this point I am overwhelmed with emotion and grief.
A sadness I didn't really know I had in me until it surfaced this week...
and I'm just not sure how to handle it.
5 comments:
I am so sorry -- I haven't the words! Sending you love, support, and prayers!
Only in a small way can I kind of relate... we have pictures of my twins, and they haunt me. They'll never be displayed and I won't ever share them with anyone. On one hand, I'm glad I have them, and on the other, they break my heart.
I cannot imagine that your precious M. might be seen by many. I pray that this becomes a good thing for you and that you may find peace!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Wow! I can only imagine the strange feelings that this news brings. ((hugs))
I am so sorry this is haunting you. It's so hard to imagine what you feel with something like this. My heart is with you and your family as your wounds are open wide.
Oh, sweetie...honestly, I've been sitting here and I am just drawing a blank on what to say to be encouraging to you. I can not imagine this situation, and I am truly sorry that you are facing it.
You can be sure as always that my prayers are with you...
Place this all on the Lord. He has a plan. He works in ways we never quite understand. But I am sure that if you surrender it to HIM that He will grant you peace. HUGS and more hugs! ML
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