A Mother's Guilt

Tonight I should be feeling relief and yet I feel nothing but a mountain of guilt. Abby's MRI results confirmed what we suspected. Mild CP.

I should be relieved that it wasn't something worse.
I should be relieved that it is "mild".
I should be relieved that there is something we can do to help her.

And yet all I feel right now is guilt.

Guilt for her being born prematurely.
Guilt for her not having her twin sister by her side every minute of every day.
Guilt for her being so sick at birth.
Guilt for dismissing her "abnormal gait" for so long when I knew something wasn't quite right.
Guilt for letting her therapists discharge her.
Guilt for letting her down, repeatedly.
Guilt that my body failed all three of my daughters, in one way or another.

Tonight, all I feel is guilt.

Abby's MRI

Just a quick update...the MRI went well.  Abby was such a trooper.  She put up quite the fight going under and when she went limp in my arms I just started to cry. It was so hard to walk away from her, but about 50 minutes later she was waking up and back in my arms.  She was really cranky. The doctor said that even in her unconscious state, she tried to pull the IV out of the back of her hand.  That's my girl! We ran into our favorite doctor while we were in recovery. The one who saved our little girl's life. The one who performed the surgery on her when she was just 3 days old and again when she was 6 months.  I am sure he loves to see how his patients are doing just as much as we love seeing him.  He couldn't believe how great Abby looked (even if she was just waking up from anesthesia).  Anyways, she recovered nicely, took a good nap in the afternoon, and was quickly back to her normal self.  Now we are just waiting for Tuesday to hear the results.  As for the PT assessment, they are going to recommend two 45 minute sessions per week to start.  We're in a holding pattern again while the report gets submitted to insurance and approved and blah blah blah.

Lilly is getting more interested in walking and will now pretty regularly walk 10 or so steps around the living room.  She still prefers to crawl though and gets around much faster that way.  It may be a couple more weeks or so until we can officially call it "walking".  But she's getting there.

I have another cold...sinus thing...whatever...I don't know.  I just know I feel like poo. I had to work yesterday and today and I'm looking forward to spending some time with my girls this weekend. 

That's it!  Thanks once again for all of the well wishes and prayers for Abby.  They worked!

An MRI, PT Assessment and Preschool

To say we have been a little busy would be a bit of an understatement. The good thing about being busy I suppose, is that I haven't had too much time to dwell on the fact that in less than 2 days we will once again be back at the hospital, putting Abby under general anesthesia, for what will hopefully be an uneventful MRI. Then its just a short long, excrutiatingly painful and anxiety filled 6 days until we see the neurologist for the results. She had her pre-anesthesia physical today and appears to be healthy with the exception of some fluid in her right ear, which is either lingering from the last ear infection or the beginning of yet another. Luckily it's not a show stopper though. At two-and-a-half years old she weighs 34 pounds and is 36 inches tall.  Lately it's been really hard to get her to eat. Not sure what's up with that but I guess since she's well above the 90th percentile for her weight, all is good right now. On a whim two days ago I decided to convert her crib to a toddler bed.  She's slept through the night and napped both days since, so maybe she was ready for it, or maybe it's the calm before the storm...time will tell.  Today Brian and I visited what we think is our first choice on the list for preschools. We are going to try to take Abby back on Thursday during classtime to spend some time in the class and see how she does in their environment.  If it works out well, registration is next week and hopefully there will be a spot for her. Tomorrow she has her PT evaluation with her new therapists. We really like the place we found and are anxious to get her started.  I have no idea what to expect as far as how much therapy will be needed and how many days per week or month we will be going, but it's just a matter of time before those questions are answered. As for Lilly, well, she's 14 months old and I would be lying if I said I wasn't a wee bit concerned about the fact that she isn't walking yet. She takes a couple of steps here and there, and every once in a while gets 7 or 8 steps without dropping to her knees, so we know she can do it, and I am hoping soon she will want to do it.  She has her developmental assessment next week and it should shed a lot of light on what we need to work on with her. She's as cute as can be though and oh my goodness, she's like a human garbage disposal.  The kid will eat anything and everything. She's quite the chunk, but I love it.
As usual Brian is working as much as he can, eventhough OT in the LAFD is hard to come by these days. I even worked 3 days last week which I am paying dearly for now. Being away for 10 hours for 3 days out of 4 was a little much for me, and the girls.  All I know is that I am really looking forward to getting these next two busy and stressful weeks behind us so we can get back to normal, whatever that is. 

Wordless Wednesday

(Abby's first pony ride)

Short and Sweet

Update:

I spoke too soon. Brian is again suffering from 103+ degree fever. He's on a Z-pack now. I called my MIL for backup tomorrow in the event it hits me because let's face it...it's inevitable.

She has it too. 

*Sigh* 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian is heathy again. Abby is well on her way back to healthy and definitely feeling better because she's back to her usual antics. And after a third trip to the doctor today, Lilly had a chest x-ray and luckily(?) it's bronchitis, not pneumonia. She had an injection today and will have another tomorrow, then she'll start liquid antibiotics for 10 days. And me?  Well?  It sounds crazy but I feel like I might be coming down with something.

It's 11:43pm

...I worked all day and I am exhausted (yes...I took a part time job outside the house...details in another post, I suppose)...I just got home from a run to the drugstore...Brian is in our bed with a fever of 102 degrees...Abby is in her bed...her temp is finally below 100... she's restless, but asleep...Lilly is in her bed with a fever of 101 degrees...I am sitting here...listening to her snore/breathe/cough/snore...trying to convince myself that I know the difference between congestion and laboring to breathe...and I think she's just congested...and congestion is fine, laboring to breathe is not...and I might just sit here awake...all night...listening to her snore/breathe/cough/snore until morning when I can get her to our doctor's office...

103.5 Degrees

Poor Abby. As you may recall, both girls were on antibiotics for 10 days because of a nasty bug, which for Abby included a double ear infection. We finished up the antibiotics last Saturday. Although their noses were still a little runny, even after 10 days of medicine, I didn't think much of it.

That is, until yesterday.

Abby just didn't seem like herself at storytime. She didn't dance and sing. She didn't want to play afterwards.  When we got home, she felt a little warm and sure enough...she had a fever of 102 degrees. She wouldn't eat. She didn't want to drink. After almost force feeding her one spoonful of soup last night, she threw it right back up. By 11pm, her temperature was 103.5.  Nothing was bringing it down.

I took her to the doctor first thing this morning and sure enough...she still has a raging ear infection. Dr. P said on a scale of one to five (5 being the worst), her right ear was a three and her left, a SIX.  Poor thing has a red and irritated throat too. Apparently this nasty little bug was able to hold it's own against ten days of Amoxicillan.   

All I have to say is bring it on, little bug.

We're armed with Augmentin now.