Tonight I should be feeling relief and yet I feel nothing but a mountain of guilt. Abby's MRI results confirmed what we suspected. Mild CP.
I should be relieved that it wasn't something worse.
I should be relieved that it is "mild".
I should be relieved that there is something we can do to help her.
And yet all I feel right now is guilt.
Guilt for her being born prematurely.
Guilt for her not having her twin sister by her side every minute of every day.
Guilt for her being so sick at birth.
Guilt for dismissing her "abnormal gait" for so long when I knew something wasn't quite right.
Guilt for letting her therapists discharge her.
Guilt for letting her down, repeatedly.
Guilt that my body failed all three of my daughters, in one way or another.
Tonight, all I feel is guilt.
8 comments:
Ok so I am NOT walking in your shoes but try to see this in a new light.
Yes it was confirmed but PRAISES it was NOT worse. PRAISES it was declared mild!PRAISES God has given people the gift of knowledge on how to help her.
You have not let her down. You carried her as long as you could. We may never know why Madison was taken, why they had to endure what they did in the womb. But Madison going to Heaven saved Abigail. She is here with you! That is worth praising! Your love and courage as a mother helped to heal her and encouraged her to fight as a little baby in the NICU. Dismissing her gait....maybe you gave her time to not live with a shadow of a upcoming date for an MRI....I'm guessing you would have been told to wait till she was a certain age to do that MRI. You went with what those therapists said that she was able to be released....maybe again this goes back to the time frame and not having to live with the stress of a future date.
YOUR LOVE FOR HER HAS NEVER FAILED HER!!!!
Please wash the "failing" thoughts from your head. Your three are the greatest blessings and would not be in your heart and in your arms if it had not been for the wonderful you that God created.
Stacie, I LOVE you and wish I could HUG you right now.
If I can drag you to climb over a fence and rush a field than I will drag you to sing Praises! Praying in Texas!!!
I so wish I had the perfect words to make you feel better!
Even though I have no idea what you're going through, I do know the pain & guilt I felt after my body failed me and our family so badly. What I remind myself of is that if it were my will and ability to change things, I would have. I would have and will walk through fire for my kids. And I know you're the same way. Please don't feel guilty about what you had zero control over. You're an amazing mommy and your girls are very blessed to have you as their mommy. I know all of us mommies wrestle with mommy guilt simply because we expect so much of ourselves, when the reality is that we sometimes set our expectation (of our selves) too high.
I'm sorry Abby has been diagnosed w/CP, but happy that it's been declared as mild. ML's words are beautifully said, and I couldn't agree with her more.
Keep your head up high, because you are a truly awesome mommy! Sending hugs, support, and prayers your way!
((HUGS)) to you! I understand the guilt part on a different level...heart related. My daughter had a heart condition when she was born. I thought it was something that I had done while pregnant that had caused it...You can't help but feel that way. You try your dead level best to do everything right...follow all the pregnancy books, and then all this.
My heart goes out to you. Saying a prayer for you and your sweet Little one!
I've watched, prayed, cried and praised for the past couple of years through our friend, Merry Lynn. My nephew has CP and while there is so much that goes into accepting, understanding and then living with the diagnosis, in reality, the diagnosis doesn't define her. It isn't who Abby is, it's just a part of her. She's perfect... God's creation. She's able, funny, sweet, joyful and so many things that you have described over and over. You have not failed her, YOU have given her everything good and perfect that she is and will become. God loves you and gave her to YOU, no one else. You are her mother, the one that God allowed to cradle her, kiss her, love her, just as he does. You bless her each day and you are blessed. May you feel God's arms wrapped around you tightly - always. Praying and loving you from Texas, -M
My first instinct is to tell you not to feel guilty, because none of those things are your fault, and that's true - but I'm a mom, I know about guilt, and I know you need to feel your feelings. Feel them and keep going. Your girls will lead you.
Everyone else said it better already...sending hugs and prayers and lots of love.
I want to tell you not to feel guilty but I know how you feel. All 4 of my children were premature and 2 died so guilt kinda comes with the territory.
But as someone looking in, you are an amazing mommy and we know in our hearts of hearts we did all we could. Please be gentle with yourself....I wish I could give you a great big hug or I wish we could sit down and have coffee...
Just know I'm thinking of you....
I'm gonna hurt you! *outta love*
You do not own this.
Let that go.
Deal with right now.
You have done what you know it best for your girls. You will continue to do so.
This I know for sure.
xoxo
Oh Stacie! I am so sorry for your pain! I wish I could comfort you with a hug, or a cup of coffee, or a shoulder. I know how HORRIBLE it is to get a life long diagnosis for your child. I know how HORRIBLE it feels to have to drag yourself out of bed and keep going. I know how HORRIBLE it can be to deal with setting up one appt, after the next, to fight for what your child needs, to deal with so much extraneous stuff, when all you want to do it go lay on the beach and play in the sand.
YOU are an awesome and amazing mommy! Your daughters are so blessed and lucky to have you. I know you feel guilty and sad right now, and that is understandable. The guilt is not justified, but your feelings are. I hope with time the guilt will fade away and you will be able to see how much wonderfulness you have brought to the lives of your children, how much your love has sheltered them, helped them to thrive, and brings them so much joy every single day.
I am sorry about the diagnosis. It is yet another crummy thing your family has to deal with, but Abby is still the EXACT same Abby she was yesterday, last week before the MRI, last month before the ortho appt, and the same Abby she was before you even called for that appt. Yes, she has a label now, but she is still her! And always will be.
I wish I had something useful to add, but all your other friends have said such valuable things to you already.
Know you are loved and supported and if there is anything you need, I am only a phone call away.
xoxo!
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