Guilt

It's a nasty little 5-letter word. And yet it seems to be the only feeling I have these days. Guilt when I am home with Abby and guilt when I am at the hospital with Lilly. Guilt that Brian has had to work so much and still come home to a messy house, where laundry isn't done, dishes aren't put away, and floors haven't been mopped. Guilt for not being at the hospital right now on bedrest, still pregnant, the way we had planned, and guilt that Lilly is in that same hospital working so hard herself, when it should have been me doing the work for her. Heck, I even feel guilty for feeling guilty.

Guilt. I hate it, and yet it is consuming my life right now.

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Enough about me, right? I should be talking about my amazing little girls who seem to be quite the over-achievers...both of them.

Abigail. She had her 16 month well visit earlier this week. She weighed 24.2 pounds and stand 31.5 inches tall. She had to have 3 shots, all of which she definitely didn't care for. And neither did I, if I am being honest. We also confirmed that her molars are coming in. She's cut about 4 teeth all at once, poor thing.

She seemed to really enjoy Christmas this year, even though we celebrated it 3 days late, you know...since I was in the hospital and Brian was working Christmas Day. But she loves her new loot and has been having a ball with all of the new toys. I think she enjoys cooking in her new kitchen the most. See?



And I just have to show you how cute she looked on Christmas Day, when she went to the Firestation with her Grandparents to have dinner with Daddy.



As for Lilly, well, she must be taking cues from her big sis (although they have yet to meet eachother) because she is doing awesome in the NICU. The PICC line issue turned out to be nothing, thank goodness, and they decided to stick with a peripheral IV instead. Her IV blew a few days ago causing a nasty little burn on her arm. When that happened, they put one in her ankle. About 24 hours later, that IV leaked, and at that point, they decided just to be done with it altogether. Fine with me! So they accelerated her feeding protocol...increasing the volume every 12 hours instead of every 24, and she has handled it like a champ. So she's off the TPN and they even discontinued the caffeine. Today she is up to 3 pounds 15 ounces. It's hard for me to believe because when I hold her she is still so tiny, but when you see her, she looks like she has a lot of meat on her bones. I guess she does compared to Abby at 12 days old. I know better than to ask when she will be coming home, but I have a feeling it will be much closer to our original planned c-section date (Jan 15th) than to her actual due date (Feb 20th). Today her gestational age is 33 weeks, and I am hopeful that they will start trying to bottle feed her by about Wednesday, although the rule is that bottling doesn't start until 34 weeks. Sometimes earlier if the baby is showing signs of being ready. And Lilly is more and more alert at each feeding, and has started rooting. So bottle-feeding...here we come! And it's all downhill from there...

Hopefully.

Here she is on the 29th...before the IV blew...





And the 30th, with her Daddy...



And last night, on the 1st...



I sat and stared at her last night for a while, and for once got a good look at her. I was trying to figure out if she looks like Abigail or not. I noticed she doesn't have that cute little dimple chin, like Abby and her Dad have. But it does look like her eyes are the same beautiful blue as Abby's...at least for now. As for the hair...it's a toss up. Under bright lights, it looks strawberry blonde or red, but under the dim NICU lights, it looks light brown to me. Time will tell, I suppose...