To Hell and Back

This morning at around 2am, Brian and I awoke to a loud, high-pitched, ear-piercing alarm. One that had never really sounded out before, at least not for any length of time. It took both of us about a millisecond to realize what it was. It was the AngelCare motion sensor. The one that lies beneath the mattress of Abigail's crib. The one that gives us peace of mind when we put her to bed on her belly every night, because that is how she is most comfortable. The one that only beeps when it hasn't detected movement for at least 20 seconds. Movement as faint as a sleeping baby's heartbeat.

Before we knew it we were both standing next to Abby's crib. Brian got there first, but in my defense, I sleep on the far side of the room. He burst through her door, flipped on the light switch, and without hesitation grabbed Abby from the corner of her crib. She was sound asleep, as peaceful as ever, and even the sound of the door banging against the wall and the brightness of the light shining in her eyes couldn't wake her.

It was a false alarm.

Brian put her back in the center of the crib and with adrenaline pumping we both breathed a sigh of relief and went back to our room. Neither of us could fall back asleep. I myself checked on her again, and again. Again and again, she was fine. And as I lay there awake in bed, I couldn't help but think back to exactly 8 months ago. August 24, 2008. The day our girls were born. And it reminded me of what a miracle our little Abby is. How far she has come. The hell that we went through to get her here. The hell she went through to stay here. In our hospital discharge papers, Abby was described at birth as being "...pale, mottled and floppy with vigorous stimulation required". A mere 2 pounds 4 ounces. A baby, we were told, whom would possibly not survive.

And here we are 8 months later, a total of 58 nights spent in the hospital, 2 major surgeries under her belt (well, right above her belt), 6 months of life with a colostomy bag attached to her belly, and we have a little girl whom the doctors now describe as "impossible to believe she is the same baby".

She's an 8 month old bouncing baby girl who loves to babble. Who giggles when you tickle her or make a funny face. A girl who sits up on her own and holds her own bottle. One who transfers toys from one hand to the other, and is grasping the concept of cause-and-effect. A little girl who rolls over and reaches up and down and all around to grab whatever she can get to. One whom while standing and holding your hands, puts one foot in front of the other and will walk as far as you are willing to take her. A girl who eats carrots and Green beans and peas and yams. She loves apples and mangoes and pears. She's a big little girl who wears 6-9 month sized clothing and size 3 diapers. She is stubborn. She is fiercely determined.

She is our miracle.

And if it wasn't for that scar, that massive scar that runs 3/4 across the width of her torso. The one I see every time I change her shirt or diaper. If it wasn't for that constant reminder of all that she has been through, I too, think I would find it hard to believe she had the start that she had.

Today my heart is filled with joy that I have been blessed with a beautiful, albeit stubborn little redhead. Every day I need to celebrate what we have overcome and be thankful that we finally have the healthy family we've always wanted. I need to do this because sadly, some families aren't so lucky. Like Stellan's family. And Kayleigh's family. And Jude's family. And Luke's family. And countless other families out there who have been dealt a crappy hand and have had to figure out how to play it.

I titled this post "To Hell and Back" not to offend anyone, its merely just a figure of speech, and because its the best way I can think of to describe where we've been. And to remind myself that I must be thankful for how far we've come. Because sadly, there are many families out there who are still in that terrible, awful place, searching for their own way back.

I hope and pray they find it soon. Very, very soon.



Happy Birthday Baby Girl!